Joke of the Day

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#51 Re: Joke of the Day

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Cruncher Pete wrote: Thu Aug 17, 2023 2:24 amOne dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'Where to?' he stammered.
'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.
'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'
'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
'Does this answer your question?'
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'
Minor variaton from New York:
Taxi invaded with Naked Woman
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her... "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,' Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Now, that's a REAL Businessman!
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#52 Re: Joke of the Day

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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
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#53 Re: Joke of the Day

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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
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#54 Re: Joke of the Day

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There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”

The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”
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#55 Re: Joke of the Day

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Three nuns died and visited St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said he would admit them if they each answered one question.He turned to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man?""Adam," the nun confidently replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang as the gates swung open and she walked into heaven.St. Peter turned to the second nun. "Who was the first woman?" "Eve," she replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.Then St. Peter turned to the last nun. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"The nun paused for a moment. "Gee, that's a hard one!"The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.
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#56 Re: Joke of the Day

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A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.
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#57 Re: Joke of the Day

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"
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#58 Re: Joke of the Day

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
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#59 Re: Joke of the Day

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While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there and pick her up.
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#60 Re: Joke of the Day

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StarGazer Pete wrote: Sat Aug 26, 2023 1:41 am Three nuns died and visited St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said he would admit them if they each answered one question.He turned to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man?""Adam," the nun confidently replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang as the gates swung open and she walked into heaven.St. Peter turned to the second nun. "Who was the first woman?" "Eve," she replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.Then St. Peter turned to the last nun. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"The nun paused for a moment. "Gee, that's a hard one!"The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.
Now in the version of the Vicar of Dibley:
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#61 Re: Joke of the Day

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How to lose MASSIVE amounts of weight! We need to figure out a way to market this! Any ideas??? Worth reading to the end- I promise!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs. program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs. that week.
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#62 Re: Joke of the Day

Post by davidbam »

"He lost 33 lbs. that week"

You don't say whether he was caught or not ... either might result in weight loss :lol:
I think this is fool-proof but could you just try it for me please? • There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary, and those who don’t
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#63 Re: Joke of the Day

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davidbam wrote: Sat Sep 02, 2023 10:47 pm "He lost 33 lbs. that week"
You don't say whether he was caught or not ... either might result in weight loss :lol:
A dirty mind is a joy forever...
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#64 Re: Joke of the Day

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A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $ 600.00

They had a good time.

Before he left, he told her he didn’t have any cash on him, but he’d have his assistant send her a check, labeling it "RENT FOR A CONDO."

On his way to the office, he started feeling like the night wasn’t worth the $600, so he had his assistant send her a check for only $300, along with a note that said:

Dear Miss,

Enclosed is a check for $300 for the rental of your condo.

I'm sending less than agreed because I felt misled. When I rented the place, I expected:

It had never been lived in before.
It would be warm and cozy.
It would be the right size to make me feel comfortable.
However, I found it had been used before, there was no warmth, and it felt way too big.

She quickly returned the $300 check with her own note:

Dear Sir,

First, I don’t understand how you expect such a lovely condo to remain unoccupied forever.

Second, the heat works perfectly if you know how to turn it on.

Lastly, the space is standard size—if you don’t have enough to fill it, that’s on you, not the landlord!
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#65 Re: Joke of the Day

Post by davidbam »

Ah, we've missed you Pete :lol:
I think this is fool-proof but could you just try it for me please? • There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary, and those who don’t
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#66 Re: Joke of the Day

Post by McShane of TSBT »

There was a gynecologist who decided to make a change in his life. He decided to become an automobile mechanic.

Goes through the mechanic course, does very well in all areas and has only the final test left.

The teacher says that the final test is the complete teardown and rebuild of an engine.

100 points for teardown.
100 points for identification of any parts that needed to be replaced and any necessary machining.
100 points for reassembly, tuning and final operation of the engine.

He shows up, does all the work, feels pretty good about it and goes home to wait for the test result.

His report card comes in with a score of 400 points. He is mystified and calls up the teacher to check on it.

The teacher said that his teardown was perfect (100 points), parts replacement and machining was perfect (100 points), and the reassembly, tuning and testing of the engine was perfect (100 points).

Then he said, “I was also impressed with the way you worked, kept your area clean and organized and all your tools were immaculate. “

The guy asked him, “But, what about the extra 100 points?”

“Oh”, says the teacher, “I gave you an extra 100 points for the way you did everything through the tailpipe.”
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#67 Re: Joke of the Day

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A greedy old man wanted to take it with him when he died. He told his wife to fill two pillow cases with cash, and leave them in the attic. As his soul ascended to Heaven he’d pass through the ceiling into the attic, grab the cash, and continue his ascent to the Pearly Gates.

After he died his wife went into the attic and found the money still there. She said, “I knew I should have put it in the basement!”
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#68 Re: Joke of the Day

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On a step, a priest sat next to a drunk struggling to read a newspaper. Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
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#69 Re: Joke of the Day

Post by davidbam »

:clap: :clap: :clap:
I think this is fool-proof but could you just try it for me please? • There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary, and those who don’t
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#70 Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Dirk Broer »

:laughing1: :laughing2: :laughing3: :laughing4: :laughing5: :laughing6: :laughing7: :laughing8: :laughing9:
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#71 Re: Joke of the Day

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Curtis & Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
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#72 Re: Joke of the Day

Post by davidbam »

Best yet !!
I think this is fool-proof but could you just try it for me please? • There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary, and those who don’t
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#73 Re: Joke of the Day

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'Bailout & Stimulus Programs'
Sounds like another BS-job to me..
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#74 Re: Joke of the Day

Post by McShane of TSBT »

A man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He tells her he's leaving for work, but in the hopes of catching her, returns about 20 minutes later. He finds his wife on the bed writhing and naked. He then hears a door shut that he thinks may have been her lover leaving. He runs to the balcony off the dining room of their 3rd floor apartment and sees a man running as he's putting his shirt on. Assuming that must be his wife's lover, the man flies into a fit of rage, runs into the kitchen and picks up the refrigerator, carries it to the balcony, and throws it over the railing, where it landed on the suspected lover killing him instantly. The husband, having over-exerted himself with not only his anger but throwing the fridge off the balcony suddenly keels over dead of a heart attack.

Standing at the gates of heaven, St. Peter is questioning the new entrants. He asks the first man, “Why are you here?“ The man replied “I was carrying a fridge, I had a heart attack and died.” St. Peter said “You may enter.” and stepped aside

The next man stepped up and St. Peter questioned him as to why he was trying to enter the gates of heaven. St. Peter again said, “Why are you here?” The man says “I was late for work and as I ran out of my apartment building to catch a cab a refrigerator landed on me and killed me.” St. Peter replied “ You may enter.” and stepped aside.

A third man stepped up and St. Peter asked the man, “And why are you here my son?” The man shyly replied “Well, I was sittin’ in this refrigerator minding my own business…”😋
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#75 Re: Joke of the Day

Post by McShane of TSBT »

He woke up to find himself lying in a hospital bed. As it happened a doctor was right there when he awoke.

"You've been in a bad accident," the doctor said, "but you're going to be fine. But there is one thing you need to know."

"What's that?l

We did our best! But…" The doctor paused, and then went on. "…well, we just couldn't save your penis." Hurriedly, he went on. "But not to worry. We have the technology now to make you a new one, and they work very well. So you'll be okay." He paused again. "There's just one thing."

The patient, a bit disturbed, digested the information and asked "What?"

"They cost $1000 an inch. But you're going to get an insurance payment of $10,000 for your loss, and that should take care of it. But you should talk to your wife about this. If she's used to a seven-incher and you come home with one that's three inches long, she might be upset. Same if she's used to four inches and you suddenly want to do it with a nine-incher."

The next day, the doc came back. "Did you talk to your wife?" he asked.

"Yes," the patient replied.

The doc waited a while, and when the patient said no more, he asked, "Can you tell me what decision the two of you came to?"

"We're getting granite countertops."
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#76 Re: Joke of the Day

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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker said to them:

"You can have her shipped home for five thousand dollars or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for one hundred and fifty dollars".

The man thought about it and told him to just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asks:

"Why would you spend 5000 dollars to ship your mother-in-law home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here with only 150 dollars".

The man replied:

"A man died here two thousand years ago, he was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".
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#77 Re: Joke of the Day

Post by McShane of TSBT »

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!
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